This is the post excerpt.
After having been married for twenty years the truth we all have tried to hide came to surface. Our family has been disfunctional for years. We were masters at deceiving ourselves and everyone around us. We appeared to be a happy and perfect family, built up successful businesses and called a beautiful house our home. To the outside we were living the dream.
At some point, my middle daughter could not cope with it any longer. She chose drugs to drown the pain and it seemed best at the time to send her to a drug rehabilitation centre to recover. The cost was astronomical and the results devastating. Instead of making my daughter and our family stronger it brought division and destruction. I had no other choice than to file for divorce from a man who is prepared to do anything to stay in control. I want to share my journey with others who are trying to break free – men and women alike – and I hope to find my peace doing so and I hope to connect with others who have or are going through a similar phase in their lives.
When I married my husband, there were no signs of control issues or conservative ways of seeing the world – or should I say that I chose not to see them? Having been brought up in an open minded home, I didn’t know how well the ones who are closed minded hide their true faces. Looking back, the man I married never actually existed. He was a master at deceiving me gently, taking the life out of friendships and hobbies and values, moving me first an hour than a continent away from my home – it was happening right in front of me, quite openly in a way and yet I continued to deny what was going on, I kept trying to understand his motives which had to be noble – he was a professional and successful at what he did – he always made sure that I was well aware of this. I justified his actions when others asked or wondered. The dreams the two of us were drawing up for ourselves were adventurous and exciting. It made me want to making it all come true. I knew the price – it meant to choose him over the world and I made the choice each time until the day I didn’t and that’s when everything changed.
I’ve made the decision last night to start a new chapter in my life. When the pressure started to build up beyond what I felt I can handle, I went out and I got myself a pack of Winston Blue. This was my brand before the kids and I’ve been consistent at numbing my emotions that way again way too long. I quit 21 years ago at the time when I knew I might be carrying a baby. Once again I followed my subconscious pattern to help others – I couldn’t do it for myself but it was not so hard to do it for my wish baby and I ended up blessed with three amazing children four years after quitting my habit. Today I downloaded an app that’ll help me change the mental pattern of my addictive behaviour. This time I’m doing it for myself 😊 and I’m curious how it’ll make me feel emotionally and physically when I achieve this new freedom.
When everything you believed was going to be – in my case the family I tried to build up – crumbles and turns into something completely different, you have to adapt and move on. I have done that and yet I haven’t. I took the initiative to change what was not working out which was my marriage. It must look insane to everyone around me, because I have in some ways lied at everyone including myself, I pretended to be happy and I covered the unhappiness skillfully. Instead of making myself happy I focused on others and how I can help them to find their happiness – just seemed easier than to help myself. It took me years to make up my mind to change my situation and looking back I ask myself why I waited, why I deceived myself into believing that one day it’ll all be different, that one day I’ll just find that deep inner peace. I’m blessed with wonderful strong children who know they can rely on each other and I can’t allow my fear of the unknown control me. I am in some ways still on hold. Waiting for the legal issues to end. Waiting for that miracle that will make all the negative emotions go away. I need to press the play button and most
of all I need to be strong for my kids, so that they can do the same for themselves. There is more than enough room and time to fill the void inside of me with purpose and yet I somehow wait for someone else to make this happen for me. Having faith is easy until it’s all you have left. It seems that every effort I make to be understood is misunderstood. I changed – and people around me get confused about who I am I guess. Counting my blessings and remembering moments of complete peace is what keeps me going.